you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Dignity is for republicans.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
