get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
