normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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