the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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