Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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