It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize