Is it normal to miss your booty call?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
