I hate all girls vehemently.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
