oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Text me some of your sweat
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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