My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
