sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
