My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
