I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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