woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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