So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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