Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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