Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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