Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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