you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
