I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
