I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
