You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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