I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
