Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
