I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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