Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
