you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Randomize
