Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
