my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
