I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
did i just pee glitter
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
