i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize