apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
