ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
