I faked an abortion last night.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
