She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
