So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
