we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
