i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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