just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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