If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
