don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
