Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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