So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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