There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
