I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
