I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I will be naked everywhere
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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