i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
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