you guys were way drunker than both of me
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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