where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
