let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
false alarm. still invincible.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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