i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
