i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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