Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
