ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I smell stomach acid.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
