I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
