Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
be right there i have to get my cape
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
