Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
