just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize