whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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