This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
