I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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