Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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